Episode II: Crimson Lanterns

Ker was seriously worried. His uncle had not said a word aloud since he lost his money. Not even to insult him or to boast. Things were getting a bit out of hand - they had no money left not even for food and their supplies had finished two days before.

"You do know that we're in Isa'pes, do you, uncle Sheeter? What are we going to do now?"

The walking cabbage that his uncle had become ignored him. Ker decided that he'd had enough; Sheeter had to snap out of this. He walked up to Sheeter, grabbed his shoulders and shook him hard enough to shake some of the dirt off him. All of a sudden a glint appeared in Sheeter's eyes, as he looked at, and for the first time in days actually seemed to see, his nephew. He grabbed Ker's hand and hurried off confidently, shouting, "I got it!! Yeah, that's what we're going to do to get our money back. Follow me Ker."

Ker managed to stumble after him as his uncle headed to a part of the city where the street lanterns had a crimson translucent paint on, giving the streets (and shops and houses) a red hue. What astonished Ker most, though, were all the women waiting in every corner. He had never saw so many women at once, and certainly never dressed that way. Some of them would have made your typical scantily-clad-female-barbarian-wearing-just-tiny-chainmail-bikini feel overdressed! He wondered what were they doing there...

His uncle finally managed to find an unoccupied corner and stopped there. "Now you just wait here and don't speak a word; leave all the talking to me," he said, and started muttering in some mystic language or another and waving his hands about.

What Ker failed to notice was that men passing by were staring wide eyed at him. Which would be no big surprise if you had noticed that the spell Sheeter cast had made him look like a tall blonde babe whose eyes were bluer than the healthiest Smurf you could imagine, and breasts so large and round that you thanked the gods for being a man when you saw them. Oh, by the way, his buttocks looked so round and firm that a chair would skip with joy if she...erm..he...erm, whatever... even considered sitting on it!
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(Sorry for that pause, but the authors needed a very cold shower... very HANDy things showers... )
Of course, Ker failed to notice this because it was the nature of the spell that its recipient couldn't see the change of 'look'.

He started to suspect something when a drooling, skinny, bent old man with a beard he could wrap parcels with, approached him. With a look of senile hope in life and a toothless grin that would make a Cheshire cat sick, he winked at Ker and said, "Oi there, schweethie, why donch you give daddy here a big hug?"

As a puzzled Ker stood open-mouthed waiting for his brain to come to succour him from this awkward situation, Sheeter sprang from behind the corner where he had taken refuge and answered, "Daddy?!? I saw Mummies who looked less ancient, and smelled better, than you do! Anyway, if you want a ride with my protégée I must first see those gold pieces glint. Else scram, and make way for healthy customers."
It is interesting in these circumstances to note how people directly concerned often make their most fatal mistakes and assume that there's a perfectly logical explanation to the suddenly bizarre behaviour of people they usually trust. What is even more amazing than interesting is that they usually manage to come up with a (supposedly) good reason for what's happening. If you don't believe me (or him), have a look at Ker's mind right now. It's currently thinking, "Hey what is Uncle Sheeter saying? What's he up to?"
Pause.

"Oh!!! I think he wants me to take this poor old man for a tour of the city. Probably there's some kind of guided tour, and he wants me to accompany him through it. That explains what he meant by "ride", but why didn't he tell me beforehand that he would be making people pay for scenic tours?"

Enough said.

Ker watched quietly as the old geezer unhooked a pouch from his belt and poured its contents in Sheeter's hands. His simple mind didn't even bother to wonder how could a tour of the city cost such an obscene amount of gold. Instead he said to the walking relic, "I'll show you sights you never thought existed," and wondered why the poor old man staggered and almost fell over when he heard that.

Which goes to show that some people really stand on the edge of the precipice widely known as idiocy...

Sheeter lost all interest in the rest of the world when he realised that the living fossil had limped away with Ker leaving him all his money. He bit a gold piece and nearly chipped his teeth on it. He couldn't believe his luck; there was more gold than he had when he started out.

As he was counting the treasure for the fifty-fourth time in a row he was vaguely aware that from the corner of his eye he saw Ker looking as his usual boring self running from the limping, red faced furious elder citizen, who seemed to have acquired a new vigour and a new large club. "Oh, well," he thought, "the spell must have worn off..."

To be continued...?!

Will Sheeter manage to buy the tower at last?
Will Ker figure out what did that old man mean?

Find out in the next episode of The amazing stories of Sheeter Bull & Ker Mudafa, Episode IV: On and on in the attic.

P.S. We've been deluged by letters from you readers telling us how intriguing our tales are. We wish to thank you for this, and encourage you to keep sending your suggestions, opinions, great monetary contributions, and anything that fits in an envelope and wasn't alive beforehand, to the usual address.

By Me and Him